I've thought over it a lot of times, about the way I should address you.
Father? Dad? Daddy?
I've settled with 'dad'.
'Father' sounds too formal and prestige - reminiscent of a luxury we never could afford to enjoy.
Whilst, 'Daddy', sounds too informal and chummy - suggestive of an affectionate father-daughter relationship that we never had.
I know I haven't been the best daughter -
I hate to admit that.
But I know that truth with every muscle and every living cell of my body that I couldn't have been.
I've said the cruelest things a person's flesh and blood could say,
Thinking exactly at that moment, that, it was alright with the circumstances that I grew up in.
With the spewing of those words, I'll regret, every single moment of my life.
Yet, I know not to apologise.
I will not blame it on my immaturity as an adolescent,
But I will carry the depth of the hurt my words have encompassed, with me, for the rest of my life -
For I am almost certain that the words "I'm sorry" or "I love you", may never be expired out of my mouth.
At least, for now, I don't think that I have the strength to speak of it in front of you.
Could I at least hold you accountable for that though?
For I have never heard a sliver of such affectionate words from you.
I do not blame you, for I know,
We are all victims of our circumstances.
As it is as trying for me, it is, too, for you.
For that, I am apologetic.
For the generations of emotional debt that we have to bare,
We must repay one day.
For the generations of troubled family ties,
The chain must be broken.
Maybe I was yet another victim of these chain of unfortunate events,
Maybe, no - most certainly, I know that the negativity did come to me.
But just know that, I couldn't ever hate you.
I couldn't do that even if I tried.
If you would accept these words,
I forgive you.
Do not worry that I will travel down the same path as you.
It is not wrong of you,
It was only reasonable of you.
But I will fight with every ounce of strength my body allows,
To one day turn all of these around.
I will strive to be a good role model,
A good daughter,
A good parent,
And an exemplary figure I could ever be to anyone.
Do not spend another moment worrying about me.
Yet, dear dad,
I hope you learn to love yourself someday.
I hate to admit that.
But I know that truth with every muscle and every living cell of my body that I couldn't have been.
I've said the cruelest things a person's flesh and blood could say,
Thinking exactly at that moment, that, it was alright with the circumstances that I grew up in.
With the spewing of those words, I'll regret, every single moment of my life.
Yet, I know not to apologise.
I will not blame it on my immaturity as an adolescent,
But I will carry the depth of the hurt my words have encompassed, with me, for the rest of my life -
For I am almost certain that the words "I'm sorry" or "I love you", may never be expired out of my mouth.
At least, for now, I don't think that I have the strength to speak of it in front of you.
Could I at least hold you accountable for that though?
For I have never heard a sliver of such affectionate words from you.
I do not blame you, for I know,
We are all victims of our circumstances.
As it is as trying for me, it is, too, for you.
For that, I am apologetic.
For the generations of emotional debt that we have to bare,
We must repay one day.
For the generations of troubled family ties,
The chain must be broken.
Maybe I was yet another victim of these chain of unfortunate events,
Maybe, no - most certainly, I know that the negativity did come to me.
But just know that, I couldn't ever hate you.
I couldn't do that even if I tried.
If you would accept these words,
I forgive you.
Do not worry that I will travel down the same path as you.
It is not wrong of you,
It was only reasonable of you.
But I will fight with every ounce of strength my body allows,
To one day turn all of these around.
I will strive to be a good role model,
A good daughter,
A good parent,
And an exemplary figure I could ever be to anyone.
Do not spend another moment worrying about me.
Yet, dear dad,
I hope you learn to love yourself someday.
No comments:
Post a Comment